Eggs Sunny Side Up: Journey of an Egg Donor

2009-11-16T11:16:00.001-08:00

Once again, the higher FSH has struck again. Looks like we might be canceling the donation because of the 0.X amount higher than what they want to see. I should have gone off the BCP months ago when we signed the match agreement, like I normally do, but I somehow forgot about that. I still believe this has a lot to do with it.

So now, here we are, like in the beginning when only the FSH number matters and nothing I've done for the last four cycles matter. I am so upset right now. I don't know why the numbers do not speak for themselves. I do not understand why the consideration for the previous cycles and pregnancies is zilch. And here we are again, with upset IPs and upset donor (me).

2009-10-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, things have been picking up on the donation front. The Psych evaluation came and went, the legal paperwork has been signed, monitoring clinics have been selected, and the retrieval doctor and clinic have been notified that we are moving forward. At this point, I am just waiting to get a schedule and get for initial screening, which, if my guesses are correct will happen after this next period.
I have been doing well on my healthy living and diet. I have had a swarm of weddings and other events lately and I have either not drank or had one or two drinks at these events. No glass of vino with my dinner anymore. I do kind of miss it because it was nice to unwind with a glass of wine and a nice hot meal. But, there are bigger things at stake here. I am worried about damaging anyone’s chances of getting enough viable eggs, afterall, I do have genetics going against me.
The psych evaluation was no eventful to say the least. I hate to say it but think these are kind of pointless. People know what other people want to hear…it sucks that I am saying this but it’s true. Someone can be lying through their teeth over the phone because they want to be matched and collect the money. The psychologist is just too long winded for me. Also, he was not prepared. I have done many of these and they always ask, what happens if I become infertile, how can I guarantee that I won’t ever go after the biological child that may result or have resulted from my previous donations. These are probably the two legitimate questions. I always say, it’s not DNA that makes you a good parent, it’s who raised you and how you were raise. I guess it’s hard to believe that some women would choose to do this. But I’ve always said, I’m not using them why can’t someone else? Especially someone as wonderful as Couple E.
Now, you’re probably wondering why I seem to know so much about Couple E. Actually, I don’t know anything about them. I don’t even know their first names. We are, as usual, in an anonymous donation. However, I have had the opportunity to talk to them. I feel really connected to them. It’s always harder to donate for people you don’t know anything about but know everything about you, including what day your period starts. It was nice, for once to see what these people were about. Not to the point of identification but just to know that they are real people, good people, who just need a little bit of help. Not that I didn’t want to donate to those who don’t want to chat or meet me or whatever. It’s just nice to put a name or a voice to the person you are trying to help.
I am starting to get really nervous about not producing enough eggs. I am also worried that I will have to stop working out soon because it’s not good for the stimulation. I have been on a work out kick for a few months so it’s going to be weird went I can’t go. I am also trying to lose 20lbs in the next few months. I have a feeling the meds will only make me more bloated. I am not overweight by any means, but as I’m getting older, my body just feels looser. I want to look good for next summer. I also want to feel good. I have a feeling donations really don’t help with that since I will be pumped full of hormones. And being women we already have a tendency to carry extra weight.
I will probably be up for one more donation after this, my 6th, well, actually my 7th if you count the canceled one. Then I will officially retire. There have been rumblings that I may have another match already lined up. Ideally, I would want that match in my city. I am kind of tired of traveling and taking time off of work. I will have to think about. Or maybe I will just go into retirement early. I am thinking about starting a family of my own in a few years. And my eggs aren’t getting any younger. We’ll see. When the time comes, I guess I will have to make the tough call. But until then, just keeping positive thoughts and my fingers crossed that this one is successful and we have a lot of viable eggs and a healthy and happy 9 months after.

2009-09-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

So far, nothing to report, so that's why the blog is kind of boring..sorry. Usually in the beginning its like this, just waiting around until someone calls or sends me whatever it is I need for the next steps. The match was made a few weeks ago. Since then, I've been back on the no caffeine, no alcohol, daily vitamins and folic acid regime. I don't mind it so much, the caffeine was hard at first, there are definitely still days that I could totally use a cup of coffee as a pick me up, however, they are few and far between. I've had a few weddings to go to in the last few weeks so some drinking was involved but I really tried not to overdo it.

No legal documents have been signed thus far, just the match agreement, but I realize that I made a commitment to the IPs so I just need to make sure that I take care of my body. I am waiting on the pysch evaluation and then of course, all the testing after, lots of poking and prodding to come. But its worth it. The IPs are adorable and I really them. Yes, this time, it wasn't so anonymous. I will just say that I am excited to do it for them because they seem like such wonderful parents and they want to expand their family. I feel lucky and happy to be a part of that. And I find it interesting that people actually want to pick me as their donor. I always wonder how IPs pick people to be their donors. Photos and profiles do not compare to meeting the person face to face. Either way, I am flattered and honor. Let's hope that this one goes off without a hitch and we get lots of healthy eggs!

Now, I'm off to research fertility centers close to my work so I don't have to be late to work to make my appointments for the donation.

2009-09-02T09:43:00.001-07:00

Matched!

2009-07-09T06:39:00.000-07:00

For those curious about what happened to Couple E...I never went through that donation. I ended up canceling the donation before it even begun. I was getting an overall sense that it was not meant to be ( I couldn't get a hold of the clinic, I had problems getting an appointment set up, etc.) So eventually I just took the break that I felt like I needed. I don't regret not going through the donation, I do feel bad that I had to let the couple down though.

I also noticed that there seems to be a lot of hoopla about compensation on the web. Looks like a bit of uniformity is going on with the amounts that a donor is allowed to receive. I am just curious, what did everyone pay their donors as compensation? It seems odd to tell people they are only allowed a certain amount when the people deciding this regulation probably never had to go through a donation or retrieval. I am not condoning an large amount of money being requested, I just don't know who is right or wrong. I read that the max nowadays is $10k. Is that true? What is everyone's opinion on this?

2009-07-07T18:06:00.000-07:00

It's almost been a year since I've been back on here... Lots of things have changed. I took the year off to relax and to claim back my body. It was great helping those couples, but after 4 retrievals and one cancellation, it was time to give me a break. A few months back, I received an email wondering if I would be interested in a donation. I missed that email because of phone difficulties (it didn't download for some reason onto my phone) so I missed out on that match. I realized that after I missed that email, I felt bad. I was still up in the air about doing another donation, but I feel like there is still unfinished business out there. I decided maybe I could do one more. Then a few weeks ago, another couple contacted me through an agency because they were interested...but I haven't heard anything since. That pretty much made up my mind that I would do one donation.

So....I guess, I am officially back into the donation process. At least for one more round. I hope I get matched soon and it goes well. Cross your fingers for me and I'll keep you posted.

2008-07-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

Good news, there are quite a few eggs! Its in the late teens. So, me going off the bcp was worth it. It really does make a difference in my case. Another bit of good news, the trigger shot is not in my butt! YAY! Its supposed to be in the stomach like the others. Which is music to my ears. I dread that shot more than the Menopur. I have developed a few new big bruises on my stomach. It's been a bit tender too. Some of the shots have been going pretty badly--as I mentioned before. It's hard to shoot up when its so painful. At least the end is near.

I am still rethinking the donation for Couple E. I just don't know if I have that kind of time right now to devote to do something like this again. My life is just now speeding back up. Not only do I have to have full day off for the initial screening, I will also need quite a few mornings off for the monitoring. I need to think about it, hard. If only I hadn't signed up for another one so soon. I realized that when I am finishing up with one donation, that's when I second guess the next one the most. So let's see where I stand after I get off this cycle and have my life back for alittle while. Then I will know if I am ready to do this again--so soon anyways. The retrieval is upon us, I hope Couple D gets some good eggs for their cycle!

2008-07-23T21:56:00.000-07:00

ETA: I am currently on my cycle for Couple D, not Couple C. And therefore the future one would be for Couple E. Just wanted to correct it.

So it's about that time of the night when I shoot up like a drug addict--well, sort of. The good 5 to 7 minutes I spend a night disinfecting and mixing my potions and concoctions only to jab it into my achy tummy. Yeah, the bruises have started. Hell, the bruises on my arms have started. I am never squeamish about needles but when a newbie lab tech is wiggling the needle back and forth, back and forth, up and down, and even at one point, pulling the needle out of my arm, I had sweaty palms up the wazoo. I literally thought I was either going to 1) punch her in the face as hard as possible for causing me excruciating and unnecessary pain; 2) pull out needle and run for my life ; 3) pass out because it hurt so much. Yeah, and the "veteran" lab tech was useless, he too decided to get in on the game of wiggling the needle that was attached to my arm. What is this? Amature hour? Or did I miss the memo about punishing donors for no reason other than to see them sweat and squirm?

My nightly shots have been giving me a bit of anxiety. Why? Well, I haven't been able to find the "sweet spot" lately. I have been giving myself hesitation pricks and everywhere I shoot up, hurt like there's no tomorrow. It's all been every nerve wracking and painful. The Menopur is also kicking my butt. My Menopur dose is kind of large, granted, and I do put it all in one syringe, but geez...its like acid under my skin. Not to mention the little bubble of fluid that pop up wherever I inject. Yes, bubbles. They are about pencil eraser sized bubbles that pop up and last for about an hour. It's right under my skin and is tender to the touch. Its almost like too much liquid was put in that spot so it is just sitting and waiting to be soaked in. I think that may actually be the case, but how many times and how many spots do I want to have Menopur injected in? Have I mentioned that it burns? Not to mention, the other injection sites, of Follistim and Lupron have also been bubbling too. Urgh. The other night I noticed that where I injected the Follistim looked like it was elastic and rubbery when I pulled the needle out. It kind of freaked me out a little bit. Never noticed it before and it really freaked me out.

On another note, everything is going well. Looks like we have upper teens worth of eggies growing in there. They are on track to be ready sometime next week. I hope we get lots of good, mature, and viable eggs for Couple D. Only time will tell. I really contemplated a drink tonight (alcoholic) but decided that I couldn't chance it. It's been a rough few days, I probably would have liked it, but hey, I can have a drink later. Now, if only my stomach looked presentable enough for the beach. Unfortunately, it's pretty speckled with needle pricks and bruises, I don't think that's going to happen. I look like I lost a battle with homeless drug addicts that didn't have a knife so they decided to "needle" me. Oh well, this too shall pass. I am starting to feel full and bloated. Today I had a slight twinge in my left ovary. Fun.

I was thinking today that I may back out of my donation for Couple E. I am starting to feel like I am doing too much. Too many donations crammed into my daily life. Too many appointments mixed with my own errands. Too many don'ts that outweigh the dos that I can do. I feel like I don't have much control of my life. Yes, in the grand scheme of things my donations only take up a small part of my life. But, I have basically been doing donation after donation since September. It is now almost August. Each donation takes a month of prep, at least, for initial screening, contacts, match agreements, day 3 and 10 blood work and ultrasounds. I have to start pills almost a month before. I start Lupron weeks before. I start stims 10 days before the official donation. When all is said and done, its at least 3 months of my life per donation. I haven't had a drink without thinking about how this is going to affect the next donation. I haven't had caffeine without worrying. I went off the pill for better results. I am worried about the job situation and getting enough time off for the next one. I worry what will happen if the donation for Couple E is pushed back a few days, how do I explain why I am not back to work? Then what? How do I explain that away? You can't be at a destination wedding for 8 days when you were only planning on being there for 6. I am trying to start a new life, with a new job. I just don't know if I will be able to do that and Couple E's donation--at least not right away. It's just too much too soon. I am also struggling with knowing I will disappoint them if I back out. I would hate doing that. But I would hate even more if I go back on my word. I am nothing if I am not honest. I would feel like I lied. So now, it's me, stuck, between a rock and a hard place...ugh...I have no answers.

2008-07-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

Full speed ahead!

I have been taking nightly Lupron shots and things are going well. Lupron and Follistim never give me much trouble. It's Menopur that burns and hurts. I did have a hesitation shot the other night, where I punctured my skin but just couldn't push the needle any further. It's like pricking yourself for fun-but not. No bruising or swelling, but there never is until I start the Menopur. Can I just say one more time how much I HATE Menopur injections.

So far everythings going along swimmingly. I haven't had but maybe two cups of tea during this cycle. I stopped drinking coffee for when I signed on for Couple C, so I just kept that going for Couple D. I also have not been drinking alcohol, as usual. I did break down and had a sangria the other night. I am still taking my Women's One A Day Vitamin and an extra dose of Folic Acid.

The "Bob Barker mic" tells the doctor that everything is going as planned. So I am just waiting to start the stim meds. I hope this one goes well and we get lots of matured eggies!

2008-07-04T23:26:00.000-07:00

It didn't take.... I feel overwhelmingly sad for the IPs. But there isn't much more I can do, I know this. It's logic. But still. I feel horrible, almost like hearing a family member lost a baby.

I can't really dwell much on the lack of success of the third cycle--I am moving on to the fourth. Things are just starting so nothing too exciting has happened. So far just the same old stuff of vitamins and bcp. One ultrasound down and bloodwork. All is quiet in the neighborhood. I am second guessing if I should post any future self-inflicted/injection-related photos. I was actually really caught off guard the first time I saw that belly shot up on someone else's site. I am sure there are still PLENTY of bruises and swelling that I can photograph and post, but I am not really sure where I stand on seeing them on others' sites, not in a selfish way, but more in the invasion of privacy kind of way. Which is silly since I am posting my business on the world wide web...kind of says it all, doesn't it? I just think that sometimes, photos speak louder than any words that I could type here. I guess that's just something to review on a case by case basis. For those that really come onto this site to see what it's like for a donor, well, do you think I would be cheating you out of the full experience if I don't post photos? I guess in the back of my mind, I have to wonder if anyone can figure out it's me? Crazy right?

So, Couple D and I have just started the journey--I really hope they have a successful IVF round and get pregnant. I don't know how they can take it when they end up not getting pregnant. Actually, the other day when I was in for my ultrasound and blood, another patient was in the adjoining room. She must have gotten bad news cause she wailed and sobbed for a good 10 minutes...so loudly that my heart broke for her. I think that's the sound a mother makes when she loses a child. I hope whoever she is, she is able to pick up the pieces and move on to try again. My heart goes out to her. For those that come to my blog to find out if it's the money that drives us--no. If you had been there that morning...you would know it couldn't be about the money. It's about stopping that cry. It's about tears of joy instead of sadness and loss. I know it sounds silly, but I felt a loss when I was informed that Couple C did not get pregnant. A large part of me blamed myself. I wondered if I had done something wrong? Did I do everything I could? I guess in this thing that we do, it cannot always be win-win. But I really wish it could be.

2008-05-21T20:57:00.001-07:00

The dreaded two week wait...still haven't heard anything from the agency about the couple and if they did get pregnant. I almost feel like I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant... I know it's silly, but in a way, our lives kind of running parallel to each other, at least until the results are announced--then I feel like I can keep on truckin' along to my next cycle.

I was reading Michelle's blog about infertility and egg donors. I am flattered that you think my blog should be a mandatory read for ladies thinking about donating. To be honest, when I first decided to start this journey, I tried to do the research. I scoured the internet. If I was lucky, I would get a few mentions about DEs in IP's blogs. But that was it. I found two blogs from two retired donors that were informative, but I didn't feel like it gave enough information. I really debated on putting my blog out there at first. In the end, I came to the conclusion that there is not nothing here that I will ever be embarrassed about. I have had friends that have let the fact that I am donor slip and each and every time, I have been open and honest about it with friends. I know it's hard to admit to others that you are a donor, it's a controversial subject after all, but I would say that 100% of my friends have been supportive, those that don't know, I choose to believe they would also be supportive. So, I am surprised (but in a good way)that people seem to be reading and suggesting my blogs to others. I hope you can all take away something from this and I know one day, years from now, I will visit this blog again and see the things that I did when I was younger and feel rewarded -- cheesy, right?

As for me being a "serial donor"...well, there is some truth in that, I suppose. I am a multiple time donor. Yes. I do take it seriously, i.e. no caffeine, no alcohol, eating healthy, taking prenatal vitamins/multivitamins. Check. I feel it's only fair to the IPs...they are paying for hope (as clique as that may be) and hope comes with a bit of sacrifice. Am I glad when I get my body back after a cycle? HELL YEAH I am. But realistically, I rather know that the IPs eggs in my basket did not go to waste. Maybe I just am hard on myself because I don't want to hurt them. Though I know nothing about besides their first name...which could be an alias, I feel like they are a part of my life...no matter how small. I would like to believe that I a slight part of theirs. We each travel our own paths until we meet at the fork in the road and for a time, we manage to walk side by side. Idealist? Yes, I am. Perfectionist? Can't you tell by now ;)? Do I get paid well for what I do? Yes. Is being a donor a cake walk? Cake? Where? (Honestly, no. I can live without the pain, the swelling, the brusing, the exhaustion.)

Anyways, as I also wait to find out the good news about Couple C (C as in 3rd donation), I am optimistic about the next one for Couple D. I have not gone on bcp...it messes with me too much, I am taking vitamins and baby aspirin to get ready for the next one. Someday...after all is said and done, I will be me again. With eggs just for me. No more hormones, no more pills, no shots, no blood draws, no doctors, no bruises or swelling. When that day comes, I know I will miss being able to help, being able to walk beside someone struggling down the road of infertility. But I will be happy to be the only person relying on me. Selfish? Maybe. For the people that have never experienced infertility, or have ever donated, keep an open mind. It isn't easy to give up your life for someone else, even if it's just a few months. It is not easy to shoot yourself up with hormones that you don't know which no one can tell you with certainty if it will effect you later on. It isn't easy to hardly be able to pee because of the retrieval. We, the donors, chose to help beyond the compensation, you have to, because money is just money. The amount of things I have had to endure from the donations is more than money can buy. Would I do this without compensation? Yes, but it would have to be for someone that really needed it.

I could be anyone. I could be your sister. Your mother. Your friend. I am also a Serial Donor, does that sound negative? Well, I guess I will just have to claim that phrase and make it positive. Maybe a "serial donor" can be someone that really believes in what they are doing. Someone that does everything in her power to make sure the IPs have the best chance they can get. Yeah...I am a serial donor :D

2008-05-11T01:05:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh....that's the sigh of relief as my life gets underway---caffeine and a few celebratory drinks to follow.

Yes, the retrieval came and went. This time, I will not be sharing how many were retrieved and how many were fertilized....the reason being that I find if someone reads closely, it might be possible to figure out who I am. Granted, I am not all that afraid to be outted however, anonymity is kind of nice. Of course, I do not want to put either the IPs or myself out there for the world to see--so for now, I am going to keep the numbers to myself. If I find out we are pregnant, I will update that news, but no more facts and figures for the IPs privacy and for my own.

The IM trigger shot came and went. I figured out if I numbed the area with ice, I could take the shot without feeling it. Unfortunately, after the numbness wore off, well, that's a whole another story. My normal protocol calls for a trigger in the stomach, not an IM in the stomach, I don't want to confuse everyone. But just so you know. I just prefer shot in the stomach. Some people prefer a shot in the bum/hips, its just a personal preference. Either way, glad it came and went. Even happier to know that I won't be faced with another trigger shot for a while.

Before I end this post for the day, I just wanted to say that even though I did not receive a letter from the IPs, I know that what I donated to them was more than an egg or two, I helped them have a family (hopefully) and its bigger than me. A letter would have just made it a bit more personal--its something I think we, as donors, do really appreciate. And maybe, regardless if the agency/clinic encourages it, IPs should consider that the donors may just be curious about their perspective and a letter helps to tell their side. Its a way to put a bit of feeling, personality, and thought behind what can be a process riddled with facts and figures and lack a human touch. I am not sad that I didn't hear from the parents, I hope them the best. I just wanted to address why I think its great to write to the donors. I often think that I should write a card to the IPs for the transfer. But I don't know if they would appreciate it as much as I would, so it always holds me back.

The next few days are sure to tense for the IPs, they are also a bit tense for me as I find myself waiting on baited breath, waiting to find out if the eggs developed, if the transfer was successful, if they got pregnant. It never truly stops when the retrieval is over...that's a common misconception. The IPs, with their first names and limited information, are never far from my mind. I guess that is how our lives are forever intertwine. It's easy to say my part is done. But its not everyday that you give someone a piece of you and hope that it grows into their hopes and dreams. I believe its human nature to seek an underlying connection with the people that pass through our lives. The IPs are such people to me and they probably always will be, especially if a pregnancy results. I wish them the best, my thoughts and prayers will be with them.

2008-05-06T14:10:00.000-07:00

Today, I got good news and bad news.

First, lets get to the good news. I have a set date for the retrieval! Yay! So the end is finally near. I have been really eager to get this one done so I can have my own life and body for a little bit until the next one. Even though we are all compensated for our time, it still doesn't match how much you have give up of you to do this. It will be a much appreciated break.

Second, the bad news.....well it's not bad so much as scary. I found out today that I need to inject the trigger shot into my butt. Um...come again? Yeah, double take time at the doctor's office. Not only is that my vice but I have been picturing myself seriously injuring my bum in the process. I can stick needs into my stomach all day. But holy geebus, you want me to shoot myself up in the butt cheek....um...no. I know, it shouldn't be any different but I got the clammy hands just thinking about it. Geez. So as the doomsday hour approaches, I have a pounding headache. I know it's not any different than my stomach but the last butt shot I had, well, lets just say that cheek was out of commission for a few days. Not fun. Ugh...the fears we must face.

I am looking forward to getting everything done and lets just hope it all goes well. I only have one more blood work scheduled, the trigger shot, and then the retrieval. I can't wait, as I am currently holed up in a hotel. But there are worse things in life ;).

2008-05-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

Summer--Yup, it seems to be a normal thing. In the pass donations, I have also bruised. Have I bruised or swelled to this extent? I can't remember, honestly. I am thinking the answer would be yes. Not to worry, I am going to doctor's appointments everyday so far, no one has said anything about it being a bad thing. It's just not exactly an "attractive" thing ;). But you win some and you lose some. No big deal. I sent that picture to my boyfriend and he was very surprised. I told him he gets to hang around that bloated bruised mess this weekend....let's just say he was very --- excited.

Katy-- Feel free to link me, I have this blog to help others through the donation process as well as those that are on the receiving end. And if anyone else out there has linked me to their page, please let me know, I will link you on my page. Granted, my perspective may be different than yours but I do hope that whatever you take away from this blog is useful :) Nice to meet you and thanks for the comment.

I spent last night visiting donor egg chat boards. Some for the donors and some for the IPs. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to use one of the boards because it hates all of my email addresses. I guess you have to have an AOL account to post. It's a conspiracy because I just wanted to reply to a girl's questions about being a first time donor. If anyone knows of any other boards that I can participate in, let me know.

Looks like the retrieval might be towards the end of the week. I can't wait to lose the bloat and the overall feeling of fullness. I DO NOT look forward to the period that is sure to fall---it's always like a massacre (TMI, I know, but very true). I spent most of today shopping for retrieval-day pants. Yes, pants made for the day of. For those that have never gone though a donation, if you take away three points from this blog, it is this:

1. Once you decide you are going to donation, go off the pill for awhile, like I previously posted, the longer I am off the pill prior to getting back on to synchronize with the IP, the better my response. (DISCLAIMER: this is mainly for me, you may be different, you know your body best).

2. On the day of the retrieval and the next day, you want pants that give and stretch. You always want them to be as soft and comfortable as possible. Your stomach/abdomen will swell upon retrieval and usually, you will not be able to fit into your normal pants right away. I spent all day today, looking for such a pair of pants...FYI, Victoria's Secret lounge pants are the best!

3. ALWAYS, and I do mean, ALWAYS, take the pain killers. No matter what you think, the first 48 hours is painful when the painkillers wear off. Don't end up like me, crying on the stairs while out with friends (see March 2007).

I have spent all day shopping for pants and ended up buying some jeans and other stuff while I was out. I've lost almost 20lbs in the last few months so it was about time...the "poopy diaper" look is not in, no matter what anyone tells you. Surprising enough, I was able to get into the jeans even with the swelling.

I am very very tempted to buy an expensive pair of sunglasses as a present to myself for the donation. But I have yet to break down and do it. It's just alot of money. But I am still considering it, after all, it's alot of pain to go through and overall discomfort, I feel like I should get something nice for myself. Which brings me to this: for those IPs that write letters to your donor, I think that is the sweetest thing ever. In the past two completed donations I have participated in, I have never received said letter--not that I expect it. However, I have heard of people doing it and I think it's wonderful. I do wonder about the IPs and the possible children that resulted. It would have been nice to have that touch of warmth in what could really be a very cold and sterile procedure and process. In a way, it makes it worthwhile. For those of us that don't get the letter, its not like we hold a grudge, its just that we never truly feel your side...you know what I mean? I have said before that I do this to help them and to help myself, I am not delusional about that. However, it's just nice to know that you are more than a follie count to someone else.

Well, that is it for now. Talk to you all tomorrow.

2008-05-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

Ummmm....the bruise is getting bigger and the swelling is getting bigger as well. It is no longer pea sized but is about 3 inches long, running along under the bruise you see in the picture. If you look at it closely, you can see where its protruding. Yes, I am zexy! :P

Actually, it hurts quite a bit. I am contemplating another ice pack on the spot. Also, if you can tell, my stomach is more swollen now than a few hours ago. Crazy. Its weird to feel the ridge from the swelling of the injection. Hopefully it will go away soon.

2008-05-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

It's been really hard keeping the blog updated with the computer in the shop for a month. So, while I am on, I will recap what's been going on...

I stopped the bcp and started Menopur and Follistim a few weeks ago. Recently, I have been injecting Ganirelix which is one of the easiest of the three to inject--no pain, no burning, no bruising, no swelling. I was a bit concerned because I wasn't off the pill as long as my previous two donations. Regardless what anyone tells you, I do think that makes a difference in how many follies I have for the donations. I had three ultrasounds, repeated blood work, and FDA required testing (second time). My inner elbows are bruised, I look like I am a heroine addict with the track marks to prove it. Acutally, I have the same marks on either side of my belly button--which makes for fun by the pool with puzzled looks from fellow pool dwellers. (Yes, that is a picture of my horribly swollen and bruised stomach for your viewing pleasure. The picture is a bit dark, but I have bruises speckling both sides of my bellybutton.) For those that have never shot up fertility meds or any kind of meds before, you too can look like a liposuction victim when you shoot up ;).

I have also been feeling extremely bloated and full (see exhibit A, photo of stomach where you see nothing but bloat), so walking around isn't the most comfortable thing, (I feel like a beached whale when I am by the pool) actually, just getting up to walk around the room is a bit uncomfortable. I feel like my vagina and everything in the vicinity is sore. TMI, probably, but hey, that's why you are reading this, so you know what its like for a donor. So there you have it, sore va-jay-jay = no fun but means the eggies are growing.

Unfortunately, my one of my fears came true. I am not producing as many eggs as my previous (successfully completed) donations. I feel like a disappointment to myself and to the IPs. It might have to do with the bcp or it could be because of the three times I drank prior to the meds, either way, I feel horrible. Granted, it's still a good number, between 10-15, but that's still less than what I would like to see for them. This whole giving up caffeine and drinking and taking care of myself is hard, but I really was trying. I just feel a bit down and like a failure. Ugh. I guess I will do the best I can until the retrieval and hope that the ones that I produce will be good enough. This is the downfall of an overachiever--I am just hard on myself. But I really wanted to see the IPs get the best possible chance they could have.

In the last few days I have traveled to the destination of the retrieval. I have been entertaining myself with friends from the area and movies from the dollar rental box at the grocery store. I tried to find the mall today, but had no luck, guess I will try again tomorrow. Must kill time somehow. I am eagerly awaiting the next few days until the retrieval. I just gave myself my Ganirelix, Follistim, and Menopur. Unfortunately, the Menopur gave me a little hard bump at the injection site. I think it might be an air bubble or just too much meds all at once. This is the first time I've gotten one of these, at least one this big... It's just below the skin--my friend who did a donation had this happen to her when she did her injections. I have an ice back on my stomach as I type this, hoping to minimize the bruising and swelling.

I heard from the doctor that there is a chance that the donation may be pushed back a few days if the follies aren't ready. Unfortunately, this means that I am going to have to explain to work why I am not back and also I would need someone to cover my job. I am hoping to find out as soon as possible and I am hoping for the earlier date. I really do need to get back to my own life, regardless of how much I want to help, selfish as that sounds. I am just starting to get antsy about this being done. I also don't know what to do about work if I need to request a few more days off. I am not sure the boss would appreciate this. So let's cross our fingers that I get this done sooner than later so that I don't have to deal with work or finding someone to cover for me. I can only imagine the nightmare that will be.

I find myself wondering where the IPs are and if we ever end up going to the same places, but just different times. I think maybe they think about that too since they know I am here. I assume they live the area, which they may not, I'll never know. I find myself thinking that maybe I've even walked by them on the streets or pulled up at a light right next to them. Is that crazy? I do hope they are excited and looking forward to the new possibilities that this donation could bring, since I know I am. I hope wherever they are, they are just as eager to get this donation underway.Wish me and the IPs luck! I think I may need it. Let's hope that a few more follies get big enough to measure and that we get the follie count up!

ETA: Just an FYI, I did get my period in the middle of the meds, but I guess it was ok. Now I am on Ganirelix, which is supposed to stop me from ovulating, just like Lupron but slightly different.

2008-04-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

My tummy is starting to feel full. I haven't had a period since March so I think my ovaries are just filling up with eggs. I am starting to get really nervous and excited about the start of injections. But with juggling work and appointments I am glad its all going by so fast and soon, it will be over. I am nervous about quantity of ovum, but I am nervous about that every donation. I just hate to disappoint anyone. Especially myself. Its odd admiting that but it is true. I set myself up and get so hyped up on each and every donation that when it gets canceled or the couple disappears, I really feel disappointed.

I have also been wondering how the meds are going to work this time. I have a new med that I am only vaguely familiar with actually, I was prescribed this before. It's called Ganirelix. I found myself wondering if my period is going to start while in the middle of injections. Since I don't know how this new medication works. And since it is administered differently than anything else in my other donations. Of course the usual suspects are there, Menupor and Folistim, and a trigger shot. Oddly, I am eager to get on with the injections. I guess my tummy is just going to get fuller ;).

Nothing new to report. Once things start rolling I will update the blog. Until then, take care.

2008-04-08T17:14:00.000-07:00

The last week or so have pretty much just flown by. I am eagerly awaiting progress in this donation, so far, we have started some meds. I am doing pretty well, staying with my diet, eating right, not drinking, and avoiding caffeine. Unfortunately, I did have two or three days of weakness and drank alittle...alright, one day it was more than "alittle" but I am crossing my fingers that it's ok. I am human....it's not an excuse but it is honest. I am flawed.

I have been diligent about not consuming caffeine, so I hope that helps. I have been working quite a bit so I have lost about 13 lbs. Which, is a good thing, trust me. I was starting to think that I was getting too heavy. Now, I am about 7 pounds away from my ideal weight. Granted, no one I knew thought I was overweight and no one can really tell that I've lost weight except when they study my face (seems to always be the first place I lose weight). I realized only last week that I had lost weight because I weighed myself, up until that point, I only had a sneaky suspicion based on the fact my pants were all loose. All around things are good.

Unfortunately, I have had to take my computer in for repairs so it might be a while before I post again. I promise to report back when the injections and appointment start. I hope everyone is doing well.

2008-03-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Lynnette! Thanks for posting!

There are two parts to today's post. One is that the donation is a GO! Yay for me and for the IPs. I received the official contracts a while ago, signed them and sent it on its way. I also got a call regarding my meds which should be arriving in the not so distant future. My monitoring appointments won't be for awhile yet so I won't have much to report on that front. I don't start my injectable for some time too, so posts about the previously mentioned "sweet spots" and burning and whatnot won't be happening for a few weeks (yeah, something for you, dear readers, to look forward to, I am sure.) But I did want to update and let you all know that I am moving forward for this third donation! I am pretty excited and happy about it all. I haven't drank but maybe 3 times in these couple of months leading up to the donation (speculation of a match and the official match to present) which is hard to explain to peers when they all want to go for cocktail hour and I have to decline. Speculation that I was pregnant was starting to spread since I have not had any caffeine since the end of January in anticipation of growing some nice and healthy eggies. I have been religiously taking vitamins and folic acid as well. All and all, I have been doing very well on the regimen that I have set for myself. Not that I can say that I am not looking forward to that glass of celebratory wine when this is all said and done ;).

Now the second part is that I have been thinking about what Summer had said about posting about my experiences. I am sure when the day comes and I out myself, anonymously, I am sure, there will be some raised eyebrows. As a few of the agencies that I have worked with these last two years have all been very reputable. However, they all have their quirks some are just severely worse than others. And as a donor I think they just treat us differently, possibly believing that our side will never be shared. However, my belief is that what goes around, comes around. And if you treat one person poorly, they will tell ten people about their experience. I hope that the agencies and agency's employees that are reading this, which I know there are a few, realize that this is the reality in this day and age. We all have a common goal, no one should be treated any differently than any one else. Let's not forget you cannot have an Donor agency without the donors OR the IPs. I know this is lucrative industry but lets not forget that we are all people trying to accomplish at least one common goal, one among a few, I am sure. That goal is help someone bring joy into their lives. I am not holier than thou, but I do believe that the policies in this industry do need to be regulated and changed. There is one agency that I should have never left and thus far, they have been the best of all the ones I have worked with. Sure, they had their problems too but at least they were small and just pesky not anything major. If the rest of the agencies I have worked with after them have been like them, I feel like this whole process would be easier and less of a PITA. If only everyone was in the same league...

But enough with that. Looking ahead, I just want to be optimistic and hopeful, if not for myself than for the IPs, someone else is counting on me! That's it for me. Write soon!

2008-03-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

To address Summer's comment, yes, 2 months is a really long time. My last cycle's reimbursement check for my expenses took over 60 days to get to me. I even had to send via email, fax, and snail mail and call multiple times before I finally got any kind of acknowledgment that they had even received my receipts. It's the biggest pain in the butt in my opinion. It would be alot easier if there was just a set expense amount that was sent prior to travel to the donor and they just use that. I know that the agencies are basically just doing this so they don't over pay. But at the same time, the IPs already put up a trust, why does it take so long? I don't know the answer to that question but now, I am out $250 until whenever my contract is signed so then I can file a form to wait another few weeks to get my money back. Yup, super efficient. I do wonder why, if the money is there the agencies sit on it and don't pay us.

I still have yet to get any kind of phone call or anything from the agency or the clinic regarding the progress of the cycle. It would be helpful if someone kept me in the loop. So far, I am disappointed by this agency. Emails and phone calls are definitely not returned promptly unless its something they need. I have had to call and email multiple times before a question is answered. It's really frustrating. But nothing I can do about it at this point. I just hate how bureaucratic this donation seems to be, so much red tape and hoops to jump through.

Let's just hope I get word that we are moving forward soon. Then that would mean there is an end to dealing with the lack of communication that I find so prevalent from the agencies to the donors. It's things like delayed reimbursement checks and lack of communication that really take a toll on me as a donor. I don't mind the early appointments or having to travel to meet the doctors. I don't mind getting poked and prodded and having surgery to retrieve the eggs. I do mind being treated as a item of convenience that is an inconvenience to the agencies unless they have something they need/want from me. It's weird to be a second class citizen when you are the core of the agencies business and their business depends on the donors. To quote Jerry McGuire, "Help me, help you." Agencies should really try and live by this motto. But what do I know?

I am extremely agitated today, sorry for the cranky post.

2008-03-14T00:28:00.001-07:00

I have had a long day today. I almost forgot to blog about the initial appointment to meet the IP's doctor and get my initial screening done. Things have been crazy the last few days. Anyways, everything looked good. Ultrasound looked good, sound ovaries and sound uterus. No cysts, deformity or anything to note, actually. Looks just like what it always does, some black and white shadowing here and there. The people at the clinic were very warm and friendly. I liked them instantly. Now, as for the doctor, I am not sure but I get a really arrogant air about him. He seemed to not know that I had donated before so I had to tell him about all that. Odd, I thought they requested the records?

Anyways, he seemed really surprised that I had done two previous donations with much success. I was told to that I should be taking prenatal vitamins and baby aspirin. As mentioned before, I was taking Women's One-A-Day multivitamins and an extra dose of folic acid, seems like this was almost equal to prenatal vitamins I saw at the drugstore in terms of Vitamin content. But as soon as I get closer to the actual donation, I will probably just switch over. The Dr. mentioned that the baby aspirin was to help increase blood flow to my ovaries and uterus. Never knew that. So I guess I will be stopping in at the drugstore in the next few days to pick up these two items. I don't think they were going to send them in my meds package... I believe I can expense it though, so if they are not in the package with the rest of the meds, I will just have to get them on my own. One thing I will say is that this Dr. seemed to be really "no-nonsense" and after the ultrasound and blood draw he told me that the only hold up was to make sure the tests come back clear and then we will proceed--as long as we get the blessing from the agency. He poked around and just told me that he was on board, as long as everyone else was and he was here to make sure it went as smoothly and quickly as possible. Sounds good to me!

One thing is that he is changing up my meds, so besides the prenatal vitamins and the baby aspirin, he was going to change my usual Lupron dosage. Apparently, now I am going to get something completely different in the middle of my stim meds, not before. Right now, I am just waiting for the go ahead from the agency as well as the all clear on the blood work that was done at the appointment. I am thinking the blood work is going to come back normal, at least normal for me. Meaning that my FSH maybe elevated a bit. Which I warned them about and they are aware. Seems like once the Dr. knew about my previous donations and the outcome, he is really comfortable with an elevated FSH, I am hoping that he is more about results than stats, like my second donation doctor. Lastly, I haven't gotten the official contract yet, seems like they want the all clear from the clinic before we sign. Which is fine. However, I was told that my expenses from the initial appointment would have to be "filed" but seems like that only happens after I get a contract...so that's...interesting. I don't know what it is about agencies and reimbursement checks...seems like it always takes 2 months. It's really not fair to ask that the donor foot the bill for that long with no repayment. But that is my $0.02.

2008-03-05T22:27:00.001-08:00

Before I start my post, let me just say a big "hi" to Summer! I am so happy you found your donor! And good luck to you and Mr. W.

I actually got some news the other day that I forgot to post about. But seeing how I know a few IPs visit on here, I thought it would be helpful, since what I know to be true is not necessary what they know to be true (for example the profiles, we have no access, some IPs may think we do, etc.) My last donation, the one that canceled days before the retrieval, well, it shouldn't have been--this I know now as a FACT. Apparently the monitoring information that was given to the clinic clearly showed 13-17 eggs in the desired size range. With a few additional ones that would have been ready on the day of the retrieval. So it would have been around the same performance I had previously. However, the doctor decided to cancel. Now, the only reason I know I had the quality and quantity of eggs was because apparently the IPs went to the agency and complained that I under performed and wanted compensation or a refund of some sort. Which cause the coordinator to request my records and see for themselves that I did not "under-perform" as speculated by the doctor. Unfortunately, my initial assumption of the doctor may have been right---she kept refusing donors and canceling donations, probably to make more money on this poor couple.

I hate to put this negative underbelly side of the process out there. However, Donors and IPs should be aware that just because your doctor recommends that you cancel you need to use your best judgment on whether its right for you or not. Had they gone through with it, they probably would be pregnant now, as were my first two IPs. Even if it was on the smaller quantity side, say there were only 13 that fertilized, they still would have gotten something. Instead of spending all that money to walk away empty handed. I do believe that medical advice should be heeded, however, if you see the stats and know the previous results you should have a little bit of faith for your donor as well. Just my opinion. It is not going to be true for 100% of the cases, however, in just this one instance, it was. Unfortunately, the couple wanted to know if they changed clinics if I would be willing to work with them again. At this time, I have already promised my 3rd with a 4th in the works. So that's not even a possibility. I do feel they got cheated. My heart goes out to them. I do hope that they move on and find another donor and actually go through a retrieval and hopefully get the results they were looking for.

2008-03-04T23:31:00.000-08:00

I added a counter at the bottom of the page, which I may try to move up towards the top and I am amazed at how many hits I had since I put it on there...which I think was yesterday. If any of the readers would like to just post a "hi" or a link to their own page, feel free! I would love to get to know the people my blog reaches.

As for this week, I am just trying to prepare for the consultation and hoping for the best. I am still taking the multivitamin (Women's One-A-Day) and the extra folic acid pills. I figured prenatal vitamins were recommended and the only difference between that and my multivitamin was the amount of folic acid. So I am using the supplement to boost my folic acid. Hopefully that will help with the eggies and my response. I didn't do this the first two times, and I figured it couldn't hurt. I did take the multivitamins while on the meds because of the doctor's recommendations. I am just ahead of the game this time. Not to mention, from all that I've read about the benefits for folic acid, it can't be bad. In fact, it is recommended for all women of child bearing age, especially one year prior to pregnancy. Granted, I am not planning on getting pregnant next year, but I like to be prepared ;). Some day, I will have my own children and I want to try and guarantee them the best quality of life I can.

On a side note, I am also thinking about buying one of those mini-fridges for my room for my meds. I have a roommate and it's inconvenient for me to keep the meds in the communal fridge. Not to mention, he's just plain nosy so I could just do without the added questions. With my luck he will try to drink the Follistim...let's just say he's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Love him. But it's true. Besides, how do I explain a bunch of little vials in the fridge? Yeah, you can't really say that I just needed some vitamin shots. No one would buy that! So I have been thinking about those small personal fridges, not the kind you get for a college dorm but one even smaller. I wonder how much those cost? Besides, if I get one that can be plugged into the car, I could use it in the car for long trips.

As for the fourth and last donation looks like things are underway. I hadn't heard anything for a few weeks so I was a bit nervous that this couple had up and disappeared on me. Come to find out, they were getting the clinic set up for their consults, setting up the trust and getting ready to pay the agency fees. So, it looks like this one might actually work out and become official. I am still waiting for match paperwork, once that happens, I will notify my agencies that I may not be doing another one. But I probably won't pull my profiles just yet because I am still a bit jolted by the previous cancellation and the disappearing acts.

Well, that's all for me now. Updates to come!

2008-03-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

I am getting ready for my initial consult. I fly out soon, getting a bit nervous about it too. I am hoping that everything goes well. From previous experience, I have a slightly elevated FSH level, always have and probably always will. I hope this doctor looks past the numbers and see what I have done before. I don't really want someone to advise the IPs to not use me when I have performed before just because a number is slightly off. Apparently that number has never affected me, at least in the number of eggies retrieved. I am ready and excited but super nervous. I want to do well for the IPs and for myself. It's important that I don't disappoint them because they are counting on me.

I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket (no pun intended), but I feel like I am because if this all goes through, I could really use the money. The bills are catching up with me....I am working as much as I can but it still a slippery slope. I know most donors don't talk about the compensation. But in reality, most of us could put the money to good use. Be it paying off student loans, car loans, housing, whatever. I know that we do it to help the IPs. I know, at least, that I do it for that reason but I can't deny that it helps me too.

2008-02-14T11:44:00.000-08:00

Oddly enough, another agency that called last week has now called me again to tell me that they also have a match for me. The other couple would allow for me to do my monitorig and retreival in my home state. When it rains, it pours ;). For those that keep up with my blogs, I have always said that I would do 3 or 4 donations and then I would most likely stop. For some reason that number 3 and number 4 has been elusive. Cancelations and couples just disappearing after a match agreement has been signed.

I may just take both of these matches and then retire. In my life, I have done things that I have been proud of. But donating for these couples has been the most fulfilling of all those things. And as I get older and find myself in a different state in my life, I realize that I too would like kids someday. These donations have showed me how much the IPs struggle, their worries, their risks, and their hopes that they place on someone else. It's alot of pressure for us, the donors. But I feel like we all take it in stride. We do the best we can to make sure we don't disappoint.

My biggest worry is that I don't respond well enough to the meds and the IPs don't get the shot they need. But I guess that is out of my hands. All I can do is follow the diet and the meds to a T. The agencies that I am working this this time are new to me (been registered with them but no matches), my previous two donations were through two other agencies. I have been taking vitamins and folic acid in preparation. I hope the donation(s) go 100% as planned and that I respond well!

2008-02-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

Some interesting new developments this morning. One of the agencies contacted me and confirmed a match! They originally contacted me about a donation in a few months but I guess that couple must have changed their minds. So here we are with a new match :)! I don't know any of the specifics until later this week. Wish me and my IPs luck!

2008-02-13T01:19:00.000-08:00

I was just reading a few blogs and came across an interesting comment from an IP saying that she noticed a discrepancy between two agencies' listings for the same donor. (***Not trying to call anyone out, just wanted to throw my opinion out there)I can see where an IP would be wary and wonder why the differences. They might feel like she has something to hide or whatever. Totally understandable. I would be cautious too. As someone that has been listed on a few different sites/agencies, I, too have noticed discrepancies on my profiles too. Unfortunately, I only become aware of them when the agencies are trying to tidy up house and contact me. Otherwise, I have no access to my online profile or whatever profile IPs see. In the past I have noticed differences in what I wrote on paper (I usually fax so I have the paper copies) and what they actually have. Anything from the compensation (I have seen a few list my compensation way higher for reasons unbeknownst to me), to my height, to my ACT score, GPA, my siblings age(s), and etc. Very odd. But people make mistakes. It happens. I am not saying that this particular donor wasn't trying to misrepresent herself, just that I have experienced the human error side of this myself so I find it totally possible that it was just a mistake. But it could also be an indicator of the organization of the agency or the morals of the donor. It could be so many things.

Sorry for the long ramble....just wanted to throw out the two cents. Oh, and to those that emailed me, sorry I haven't checked the emails lately. But I am back on that and if you have questions, please feel free to ask. Good luck to all!

2008-02-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

I took a bit of time off from donating and blogging. Things in my own life have been chaotic (at best) and borderline depressing. But, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. So on to the post!

Since the last failed donation, I have received 5 calls about 5 different couples. Unfortunately, nothing has been set in stone. Just alot of people asking if I am available and when my blackout dates are, if any. I am starting to think that I may not get to do another donation because after the canceled one, I signed match agreements for two separate donations, only to hear nothing back from those couples. It's been a really frustrating road, these last few months. I know IPs often times worry that EDs will back out on them mid-cycle. But from my own experiences, it seems more common for the IPs to back out. I understand, they have more on the line, but what happens the to ED?

In my case, I have been bouncing around, waiting for another match. I worry that the next couple will also cancel or drop off the face of the Earth. Makes it really hard for me to put myself out there --- when I feel like I am getting jerked around. I worry that the IPs will end up with another RE that jerks them around and misinforms them. I worry that the meds will be wrong the next time too. I worry that the ultrasound tech won't see all the follies and count the wrong ones. At the end of the day, I still want to help. Maybe that's why I am still out there, just waiting. I have also been visiting many of the message boards and looking up prenatal vitamins and folic acid to take before and during my donation to better the quality of the ovums for my IPs. From this ED's perspective, having couples back out and disappear into the thin air, (4 couples thus far in the journey), it just makes me tired, worried, and frustrated. But I continue on. When the right match comes along again...it will be right from the beginning. So I have to have faith.

On a completely different side note--I wonder if anyone is still reading this blog? I don't post as often on here when I am not currently in a cycle. I think I may have lost a few readers. Sorry dear readers. I hope to have something to post about soon.

2007-11-26T06:28:00.000-08:00

This third donation was doomed from the beginning. There were multiple false starts and delays. Multiple signals crossed and lost. Once started, the meds were off. I am not sure what happened, but I do know that my meds were not the same as they had been in the two cycles before. I also know that there were many discrepancies between when to start and stop meds. And lastly, the monitoring clinic reported that there were many more ovums than that the retrieval doctor saw....oddly enough, I saw the same thing that the monitoring clinic saw. So who is wrong? What I do know is that the cycle has been canceled and I will not be available or willing to work with that couple or that doctor again. If you continually lower meds and also exclude one all together, how can you expect the same result as the other donations? That is beyond me. It's frustrating because I am sure the IP knows nothing about the fact that the doctor had me on half my usual dosage, minus one drug all together, or that they gave me conflicting information regarding meds regularly...

All that shooting up was for nothing. I am very disappointed. But what can you? The IPs have canceled 3 other donations at the request of the doctor. Makes me wonder what kind of doctor does that when there are viable eggs and plenty of them.

2007-10-24T05:08:00.000-07:00

I signed up for a third donation. It hasn't been going well. First it was supposed to take place in September. But the clinic that my IPs are using weren't on the ball and did absolutely nothing to get us ready for it. So then it got pushed back to this next week for the retrieval. Just found out last night, right before I was supposed to start the meds that my IP's body has been reacting badly and they might have to push this one back. They might not be able to do it at all.

Unfortunately, this is even worse for me because I actually quit my job over this retrieval (partially). I had requested days off and was told that I couldn't take them off, even though I had the time. That a bunch of other things led me to quit. This is what happens when you put all your eggs into one basket...no pun intended. I am searching for another job and now I am scared that I may not be able to hold out as long as I wanted too. I don't blame anyone, it's just how life goes. I hope I don't end up losing my house and car...that would be the worse things that could happen, I guess. I may end up canceling this donation all together because there have been so many hiccups. I have another couple, the ones that were to have been my last, that is waiting for me and it might just be better to go with them. I know the IP has no control over how her body reacts, it's probably really frustrating for her.

Keep you posted.

2007-07-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the way that agencies think that they can talk to people! Its one thing if we signed an agreement and I back out, but it's completely another when you just expect me to not take on someone because you never contacted me. Where, exactly, does this sense of entitlement come from? Cause last time I checked, I did HAVE to do this at all, and if I CHOSE to do it, I should be able to do it through any agency that I want for any couple that I want. It makes my blood boil when they call or email or whatever and their main objective is to make you feel bad and like you are a horrible person. I don't need this...it's not like I need to donate to support myself. They made it sound like such a annoying thing that they had to schedule donations between things happening in my life...Yeah, I have life outside of donating and I am not apologizing for it. This is ridiculous. It's a first come, first served (as crass as that sounds) type of thing, you snooze, your couple loses. I am still amazed how many couples have contacted agencies about donors, only to have that agency sit on that request for months before contacting that donor, and by then, it's too late. A donor cannot be blamed for having a life or agreeing to help someone else. I am so pissed---this keeps happening, this is the second agency that I have had to tell to shove it because I do not need to be berated for donating to someone else. It's a f'ing ridiculous way to do your job---afterall, without donors, what exactly do agencies do?

End Rant. (sorry)

2007-07-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some IP's blogs and it really saddens me when they go through one after another miscarriage and loss. I guess that's what I have to remind myself no matter how uncomfortable I am, how many days I have to take off from work, how I hate stabbing myself, that there are people out there are counting on people like me. Sappy? Sure. But it's true.

I stil have not heard back from the clinic, which is ok, except, I am getting ready to pick up alot of work duties so if I don't hear back soon...they might not be able to reach me. Hum... maybe I will call next week. I also will need to travel to the East coast in the fall, it should be fun. Never been there before. This gives me an opportunity to really just live out my dream of seeing all parts of the US. I feel like I am sheltered most days.

Life is picking up speed and I am just along for the ride. I think 2008 will definitely be much calmer and slower. I can't wait to get through all this stuff and move beyond my life as a donor. Not because I don't like it but because I find that my life is always planned, months in advanced. I also would like it if I could just not worry about silly stuff like the first day of my period or how much caffiene I am drinking, or how many follies I have, of if that bob barker mic is really aimed for my Va-Jay-Jay. I want to be able to live my life without having to get an ok by doctors and have all my days tracked... well, that's how I feel anyway. I anticipate it will be a good thing, to get control over my body back. So until 2008, I think I will just take all of this in as a lesson. It's been positive and I feel like I am a better person for it. You can't blame a girl for looking ahead, can you? Even if she enjoys what she is doing now.

2007-07-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

It really annoys me that people are using my blog as a place to advertise for their agencies or ED website. If you see a deleted post in the comments, that is what it is. My blog is not here to advertise to IPs of EDs. If you want to advertise, pay the money and get it done professionally. Don't go the lazy and cheap route of utilitizing someone's site for your own selfish reasons. It has to make you wonder what kind of people would do that and if you would really want to use their services if they can't take the time to advertise on their own. Ok, end rant.

Since the last time I wrote, I have signed up for two more donations. I will be finalizing one contract this week and hopefully be anticipating a retrieval in September. I have another one scheduled for December. And thus, 2007 will be concluded with three retrievals under my belt and no more in the future. After much debate with myself, I decided that my December retrieval would be my last. It would have to take some wonderful couple to bring me out of retirement, not impossible but just not probable. I feel that at this point, I have helped as many as I could without truly jepordizing my own fertility. I would like to have my own kids someday too, and I think the best thing for me and for those future children is to stop while I am ahead and young.

I traveled to the IPs' location last week. I can only say that I never liked L.A. and unfortunately, I still don't. Something about it turns me off. Maybe if I spent more time there than just a long weekend here and there...I might grow to like it. I guess we will find out since I will be spending a week there soon enough. I do love me some In-N-Out burgers (animal styles, cheese on the fries). Maybe those of you that live in the area will see me there, stuffing my face :) Luckily, I do have friends in the area so I will not be completely and utterly bored out of my mind. We will see. I am hoping that my boyfriend will be able to travel with me there, since he has never been to L.A.

At this point, I am waiting for seven of my vials of blood to be tested and come back ok. Then I should be getting a call from the nurse to confirm that the donation is a go. If not, the couple in December is wanting to take me as soon as possible. It's an odd thing, this donation. It's the first time that I have ever experienced this urgency where one couple tries to convince me to leave the other couple. I guess at the end of the day, it's still a business and things happen. But I would like for couple B to take a moment and realize that couple A got to me first. And also that couple A probably has suffered like them and how would they feel if they weren't able to get their donor because someone literally stole them away? Maybe "stole" is too harsh...

I still think this urgency is ridiculous. Calm down, everyone is going to get what they want, what does one or two months really matter in the grand scheme of things? I don't think it matters at all. Desperation does not mean lose your sympathy and empathy for others. Oddly enough, I don't hold this against them as I believe they have been through a lot and are just a bit excited. You can't hold it against a person that obviously wants a child...children are a beautiful thing. But try to dial the crazy back just a bit cause it's not a good quality on anyone.

2007-05-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

There are some days when I feel like a puppy at the pound, waiting for adoption. "Pick me!" I would plead with my sad doe eyes. "Pick me, you know you want to!" It's funny how there are all these mixed motions about whether or not you are good enough to be picked. I wonder what it's like for the IPs, how do they know when they pick a girl that that girl is the right one for them? Is it based on the photo? The answers to the survey? The GPA, ACT, and SAT scores? It's odd to think that we are reduced to stats on a few sheets of paper and based on that the IPs are supposed to know if we (the donors) are right for them. It's not any more intimate than pulling up to a drive through and placing your order. Oddly enough, when you do get the chance to actually talk to an IP, it really makes you feel real. It makes what you are about to do feel real. It makes everything less sterile and cold and more like you are helping out friends. It's good knowing that you are not just your first inital and a handful of numbers.

Do you think that it's fair for a donor to be listed with more than one agency? I know that there are quite a few donors out there that are listed with more than one agency. Is it wrong? I don't know. It might just be creating more exposure for the donor. Is it fair? I would think that since it is a first come first served type of business then it can't be unfair. Kind of that "you snoozed, you lose" type of deal--as mean as that sounds. When a donor is listed in multiple locations, but for the same compensation, I think it helps to off the IPs an alternative if that particular agency is not working for them. I believe that you can find the right donor but that the right agency doesn't always go hand in hand. I am all about options.

The sun is calling, that's all for today.

2007-05-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have felt like the twilight zone. I have been away from home for weeks. Traveling around the world and back again. It's fun in theory but when you are doing it, it's another story all together. And just as I am starting to get better with the jet-lag, my body revolts....Is it possible that because of my donations that I have somehow managed to make myself more susceptible to UTIs? Too much info, maybe, but I had never had an UTI until January, a month after I had my first donation. I had my second one two weeks after my second donation...correlation or coincidence? You tell me. I am now, on my third and painful one....I am starting to think that's how my body gets back at me for donating. Ok, off that topic, onto the next.

The last few weeks have been pretty eventful in terms of being an egg donor. On top of traveling around the world, I have been approached by four couples with two different agencies. It really became a game with timing. Who's schedule worked with mine. Granted, I can't help them all but it would have been nice to be able to. Tiring, but nice. One couple that had been pursuing me for months backed out, after I had cleared my upcoming work schedule to make it work for them. I guess its the nature of the beast. The other couple, from an agency that I have donated for, has been in the works for a while. I think we have a match :). From what I understand they would like to have a semi-opened donation, meaning that they would actually like to speak to me via conference call. It's nice to not just be another nameless donor in a book of profiles. If this goes through, I am hoping that we can have the retrieval in August, what with my travel schedule, August is the best time for me. Hopefully it works out.

Today, I ran into a predicament. I came face to face with the real possibility that I may not have anyone that can go with me to the retrieval. This time, it would be out of state. Makes me nervous thinking that maybe I don't know enough people to have a friend that would do this. But at the same time, I have plenty of friends that don't know I donate in the first place. It's not something you bring up in casual conversation. So, here I am, trying to figure out what will happen if I go to the retrieval alone. I am sure that happens and will happen, but what happens? That's something no one tells you.

Another thing no one tells you is the couple from my second donation got pregnant. I guess I could always ask. Well, that's all today, keep you posted. Oh, and I am pretty surprised that I actually have readers. Thank you for reading and I read all your comments and emails. I will try to be better at posting.

2007-03-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

On exactly the 7th day, in the final hours of the business day, I got my check. It was a sigh of relief. So the drama came and went and now I am on my merry way again.

The agencies started calling me starting on the day of the retrieval. Some of them were too pushy, calling every couple of hours, demanding that I give them an answer immediately on whether or not I would donate for them. What they failed to remember is that I 1) was in pain and taking painkillers so I couldn't be reached; 2) HAD JUST COMPLETED A DONATION, so why would already be thinking about the next when the current one is still the current one? and 3) That unlike how it might seem, I did indeed have a life outside of donating.

I understand where they are coming from, they have IPs interested and possibly pestering them for an answer every few hours too. And I know that its not everyday that an IP decides that "this girl is it!" I like feeling that I can help people but I need a rest sometimes too. I guess that's part of the donation progress. It's just annoying sometimes, but, nothing is perfect so I am taking it with a grain of salt :).

Currently, I have 3 agencies that have people that would like to use me as their donor. I think that I will donate this third time and possibly stop after that. I don't think that I would do it a fourth time. It's a bit of strain on my body and I miss having complete and utter authority over my own body. It's hard to know that I can't go to the gym or drink a cup of coffee, and if I do, I wonder what effects it might have on the ovum. It's a bit too much stress, especially when I am traveling and have to make sure injections are on time and that I have proper storage while working long hours at my day job. It sucks that that possibly means that there will be people I won't be able to help. I guess sometimes you just walk away when you can and hope for the best.

2007-03-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

This whole donation process is never easy. It's one bump after another. Some are bigger than others.

On Tuesday, I had my retrieval. Once again, I had 16 healthy and matured ovum for the IPs. This time was a bit strange since the IF was at the hospital during part of the time that I was there. They had to hide me and I believe they hid him from my boyfriend (who was waiting for me). I did pretty good, got to leave at noon. Went home and just slept. That night, I thought I was feeling pretty good so I tried to go out to a movie, big mistake. I ended up throwing up and having to turn the car around and go home before we go to the theater. Wednesday I laid in the bed most of the day but since I had company coming over, I had to clean. I tried to rest as much as possible in between cleaning. Thursday came and I thought I was supergirl, a momentary lapse of judgement that left me crying on some stairs at a bar. Yes. I refused to take my vicodin and that's where it landed me, crying from the pain in front of my friends. Learned that lesson. Always take the pain meds.

All week I watched my stomach progressively get bigger. At one point, I looked like I was three/four months pregnant. Today, it's still a bit swollen, it'll stay that way until after my period. It's ok, it's not as bad as the first time. At least I can wear jeans/pants. Yay for pants! I felt exhausted and just overall, spent. I didn't get much rest either. Between friends and my boss calling all the time, I was pretty much running on empty. The only thing keeping me going was knowing that I did something good for someone and also helped myself at the same time. Little did I know, I was wrong about the latter.

Today is the 6th day after the retrieval. In my contract it states that I am to receive payment within seven days from the retrieval. I called to see what the hold up was and was given multiple stories about where the check was for my final payment. First off, if you are sending large sums of money wouldn't you send it with a way of tracking it? Um, apparently not. Also, wouldn't you send it to an address that the donor provided you instead of one that they told you was not secure? Um, no again. So here I am freaking out, trying to get someone to care and I basically get the run around. I was told it will probably show up sometime and when it does, it does. And that they send large sums all the time through regular mail and that even if someone else got it, they couldn't cash it. What? Really? Last time I checked a contract was signed and it's legally binding, which states I GET IT IN & DAYS!

I hate to say this but the way that the agencies treat their donors is abmissal. Is it so hard for them to see the value of the person and not just throw them away as soon as the donation is over? Do we have to remind them that without people like me, they wouldn't even have an agency or business for that matter? Why is it so hard for them to treat us with some respect? I am not a bill collecter calling to get money that is not mine. It is MY compensation that they lost and no one cares. I am so mad right now. I do not think I will work with this agency again in the future. People that are so dismissive of their donors really turn me off on wanting to do it again. Every agency has been hard to work with in some aspect or other. Granted, the first one that I worked with was actually really great. The only thing was the travel agency they used were pains. I really think that these agencies really need to wise up and realize that if they do not keep their end of the bargain, reprecussions will result. I called my lawyer. If I don't get the check tomorrow, there is hell to pay. I know it sounds mean, but I had a really hard time with this donation, it's not all that easy, and they are reaping the benefits yet they do not seem to feel the need to show us (donors) any appreciation. I am not one to take this lying down. Mondays really do suck.

2007-03-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

I found out on Saturday that tomorrow will be the day. I gave myself an injection of the Ovidrel last night at the time that the clinic told me to. It's funny, as I looked at the glass syringe and it's thicker more gel-like liquid, I felt the flitterings of butterflies. I even went so far as hestitating and had to reattempt to inject my stomach with it. Right next to the big black and blue bruise that I gave myself on my first day of Menupor. One that that surprises me is how easily Ovidrel goes in, no pain, no burning, nothing. Next to the Menupor which always hurts, this was a cake walk. Have I mentioned how much I hate Menupor injections? Could that needle be any larger? On the other hand, the easiest to inject, next to the Ovidrel is the Lupron. Lupron, with its small insulin needle is my friend, that's for sure.

My stomach is speckled with tiny little pin pricks, and a few bruises. I am going to be glad when this cycle ends and I take a little break. I don't know if I am up for doing this all over again, but who knows? In a few more months, all the pain and restrictions and feelings of lack of control will probably fade and I will be up for it again. My boyfriend had the look of concern last night as I headed off to the restroom to inject myself. He came in and squatted on the floor next to me and winced as I gave myself the injection. He told me that he really worried about me and that even though it's a minor proceedure and that the meds are common that he still thinks that it's scary. He said that he lost his sister due to a "routine and minor procedure" and that minor procedures do not exist for him.

I can see his point. Afterall, no one knows the long term effects of the meds. No one can guarantee that after this donation (and any others if there are others), when the day comes that I want to have my own children that I will still have viable eggs. No one can predict the future. Everything is uncertain. What happens if all my cycles take a toll on me and I end up paying for it by not having my own children? Will it be worth it then? What happens if I have a bad reaction to the drugs from the retrieval like the last time, but this time, it's worse? So far, this cycle has been ok, it could have been better. But when you play with hormones, you can never tell if you are going to get it right on or be off just enough for it to matter. Case in point, they have my on all the same meds and dosages with a slight variation from the last time. But this time, I have less eggs, higher estrogen, and more abdomenal discomfort than last time. You just never know. You can only take the proper precautions to make it the best you can. Right?

Tomorrow, I am hoping for a healthy and safe retrieval with everything going just the way it was planned. My boyfriend will be taking me to the hospital and taking me home, unfortunately, he has somewhere to be at a certain time so if we run late, there might be a problem getting myself home. I hope that is not case. I am pretty sure that I am going to be pretty out of it and will need his help. I am trying to get a hold of the coordinator to see if she can bump me up a bit so that I can make sure to leave by 12 so that he is not late. We will see. Otherwise, I might be stranded there until well into the afternoon.

Wish me luck!

2007-03-09T06:09:00.000-08:00

This morning was another grueling early one. I hate early appointments but that's the only time I can really do them and not disturb or arouse suspicion at my day job. Juggling donations and my real life job is sometimes quite a hassle and really hard on the body. I work alot during the night because I deal with a bunch of overseas suppliers. I often stay up late to make phone calls because of the time difference. I pay for it when I have to get up at 5:30 to make it to my appointment. I keep telling myself that this will be over soon and my body will be mine once again. I can't wait. It's hard giving up control of your body, your schedule/plans, and your life, in general to do something like this. It is also hard to see how your body changes during the process. If I was ever curious about what I would look like as a pregnant lady, I now know because of how much I swelled up after my first retrieval. My tummy is starting to puff out now that my ovaries are on overdrive and my follies are getting big. Not the most attractive, but I can live with it.

The appointment went pretty well. Most of my follies grew another 5mm in the last two days. I think that's some pretty good growth, but I am no expert, of course. The tech only measured 13 of them but said that there were a bunch of smaller ones in there. Hopefully this means that they have a chance to catch up, I don't really know what smaller ones mean. I may have to go in for another appointment tomorrow. It's Saturday and that's the last thing I want to do, but I guess if I have to do it, I will. Afterall, the way I see it, I am not the captain of this ship right now. It's on loan :).

This morning as I was walking out of the clinic, I was kind of surprised to see three Asian women walking in, all in a row. Not that seeing so many Asian women surprise me but just the fact that all three of them turned and looked at me. They didn't just look at me so much as study me. It was weird. I couldn't help but wonder if any of those ladies were my receipiant....granted, they take pains to keep us from ever running into each other. However, this clinic has not really been that organized in the whole time that I have been using them. My mind still couldn't help but wonder if this was the case.

I still think it's odd that they went from wanting to sit down and get a cup of coffee to not wanting me at all. It really is one sided, this whole donation process. The IPs get to know what I look like but I do not have a clue what they look like. I only say this because I could potentially walk right by them on the street with them knowing who I am without me ever knowing who they are. It doesn't seem all that logical to me, but what can you do?

Last night, I was thinking that the other couple would be almost 4 months pregnant. My boyfriend asked me what would I do if in twenty years the child comes to find me. I really haven't thought about it at all. I believe that "parents" are those that actually raised you, cared for you, loved you. They are the ones that tuck you in at night and walk you down the aisle on your wedding day. They are not someone that gave away some of their genetic material to help someone else. I told him that, and I also told him that I would be ok with talking to them and getting to know them because we would have the common thread of being biologically linked. But I would never see them as mine and if anything, I would just be a like a distant aunt that they see every so often.

I don't think that makes me cold. I think it make me a realist. I am doing this to help someone else have their dream of a family, not to achieve my own dream of such. If the results are that a child is born from this, that child is not mine, nor are we anything more than genetic relatives. I couldn't fathom taking away someone's years of love and hope and dreams and proclaiming them mine because we may share some of the same features. I think that is one of the biggest fears of those that use donor eggs. That one day their children will want to meet the donor and maybe somehow seeing more of themselves in that donor than in the people that raised them. All the contracts I have ever signed have been centered around never trying to proclaim any children mine. I wonder if those that use donor eggs would tell their children how they came to be? How do you explain it if they look nothing like you and they want to know where they got their nose? That's the perk of a donor egg, no one ever has to know unless you tell them. So would you?

2007-03-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

Ah, back at home again. These last few weeks with my day job responsibilities have been grueling. I was so tired and all the germs around me finally caught up to me. I have been sick for a few days now, feeling better but still not 100%.

Had another monitoring visit today, this time was much better. People actually knew what I was there for, had my orders, had my paperwork, etc. I was in and out in 25 minutes. Early enough for breakfast, which is a first. I talked to the third party coordinator and she told me that it looks like I have about 16 follies. Is it possible to produce more? I just started the stimulation shots this weekend. I am hoping to up the number closer to 20, like last time, so the couple has more chances in one "pop". I feel like 16 isn't enough. If they only get 80% of the eggs, that would put me at 12.8 eggs. I prefer being an overachiever and from what I gather, 12 is average. And I am all about the "more bang for your buck" thing. Somehow, 16 just sounds low. But then again, they might have miscounted. Last time, they told me that I only had 16 and I ended up with 20.

Hum....distrubing, they just called and said that my estrogen levels are slightly high and they are reducing my Follistim. They just want to make sure that it is not high for the actual retrieval. Hang in there ovaries, do your best and make me proud! I would hate to have anything happen and disappoint the couple. They are counting on this more than I am, I am pretty sure of that. Blah, three appointments this weekend, great. Well, I guess I am just happy that it'll be before my friends get into town. Hopefully, by then, I will be able to wear pants like a normal person, otherwise, I will be going out with the girls in sweatpants. The worst part about retrievals is the swelling from all the IV fluids.

2007-02-16T13:02:00.000-08:00

This week is the first week of meds. Lupron is my friend. It's a bit different than the first cycle, they have me on the BCP until this weekend. Either way, doctor's orders so I am just following along. My doctor is actually a very likable and friendly man. He did a very basic exam on me the day we met. It's funny, when I asked him about he ultrasound, he said, "Oh that's right, you got caught up in the whole FSH and follies and all that nonsense last time. Well, anyone who can produce 16 healthy good looking eggs like you did the last time---we won't worry about you too much." He said that he would like to try and repeat the success that I had before and that he would try and keep all my meds and schedules the same. Works for me. Also, it helps to validate that I am a good donor. Sometimes, when all you hear are the negatives, it's hard to focus and see the success that you had.

The shots are the same as before, in the stomach. I am still searching for my "sweet spot" as I like to call it. I found it before and I think I can find it again. It's the place where you stick yourself where you feel no pain, pressure, or anything. And most of all, no resistence and no bleeding. I guess I will have plenty of time to find it. However, everything does seem like it's on overdrive. I am scheduled for a retrieval in mid-March.

The contract review was extremely quick. I loved the lawyers that were assigned to me. Super helpful, friendly, and overall, a joy to work with. I think those that are out on there looking for a reproductive law attonery should really look into the firm that these ladies ran. It's not everyday that I get lawyers that are actually willing to listen to me, give me their professional opinons when asked, and not make me feel stupid because I do not feel something in the contract is something that I want. I think there are some really good reproductive law attornies out there, you just have to look. My last attorney was definitely not up to par compared to these ladies.

I have a really long and hard two weeks ahead of me because of day job. And because of it, I will be traveling with my meds. Which is not the first time but always nerve-wrecking and always a hassle. Nothing like airport security pulling out your medical supplies in a crowded airport. It is also a hamper on the love life since my boyfriend will be joining me midway through this work traveling. But I know it's for a good cause and he is very understanding since he has experienced infertility in his family. But this won't last forever. And it's something that I like to do and feel appreciated for doing. So for now, I will keep doing it. Anyone that wants to be part of my life will have to accept it as is.

2007-01-29T18:11:00.000-08:00

Last week, I signed another contract to be an ovum donor. I am a bit nervous....probably because old ghosts came back to light today. Today, I got an email, from the first agency that signed me and matched me. The same one that cut me when my FSH level were a bit elevated and when my ultrasound came back a bit--undesirable. I then went on, signed with the agency that I donated to a few months ago, with what seems to me, a successful donation. My FSH was a bit elevated that time too, but my ultrasound showed lots of follies.

Now, the ghost that I am referring to is the one that comes in the form of an over-judgmental agency. The one that cut me, let's call them Agency X. Agency X contacted me today to make sure that my information was up-to-date because they do have people interested. Somehow or other, they got to talking about the compensation and basically, the gist was that they thought I was too much because my FSH level was a bit elevated and that many doctors will shy away from me. Overall, they made me feel like what I did in the last cycle meant absolutely nothing. That I am not worth as much as I am asking because I have elevated FSH levels. It became a back and forth thing. I don't even know why they were contacting me if they didn't think that I could provide a quality ovum. They also make me feel like it was by pure accident that my undesirable eggs were able to result in a pregnancy. It's incredible how dismissive and rude someone, as reputable as Agency X, can treat it's donors.

I know that FSH levels are indicators of how well one will respond to the drugs. But do doctors totally dismiss proven results (16 ovum, positive pregnancy) because my hormones are raised? Maybe that is just how I am. Maybe it's my body chemistry. I know medicine is all about the numbers, but sometimes, the cold hard facts, physical, tangible facts are right in front of them and to ignore it for just numerical data is unfair to me and to the IPs. I think that when there is proof that someone will respond and respond well, why tell the IPs to shy away, avoid that donor at all costs? I know it comes down to success rates for these doctors, but sometimes, you have to take a risk, even if it really isn't a risk but only on paper, to reap that big reward.

The IPs in this case have not done anything with me yet. This week, I will be tested, poked and prodded. And I am going to bet that my FSH levels are a bit elevated, maybe it's just my M.O. But I hope they really consider the fact that I performed the last time and I performed above all expectations and it resulted in another couple's pregnancy. This donation is a bit different since I am going to meet the IPs at some point. I guess I get to experience it in all forms :). If you can, keep your fingers crossed for me that they don't just look at what a blood test tells them and really consider the fact that I may do as well as they hope I will.

On that note, I would like to say Agency X really made me feel worthless and instilled self-doubt in me. It's amazing that all the reviews that I have read about this agency have been so incredibly positive. That goes to show you, how they treat the IPs is completely different then how they treat their donors.

2007-01-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

I found out yesterday that the couple from my donation are now pregnant! I am really happy for them. I hope they have a happy and healthy 7 more months.

It is odd to know that somewhere out there there is someone with my DNA, I wonder if they will look like me a little bit? It's great to know that all that paid off. On to the next cycle!

2007-01-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

After my first donation in November, I really wanted to take some time off and not donate and see if I wanted to do it again later. But after much thought, I feel that I am ready to be a second time donor. I have to admit, right now, with my financial situation as is, the extra money would help. I have one agency, not the same one as before, request that I give them one month exclusivity so they can look for IPs for me. I got an email a few days ago that there was some interest. So far, I haven't heard anything yet. I believe they are waiting on my donation records for my first donation. Even though the first one did not go 100% smoothly, I am ready to jump into a second one. Hopefully, I am matched with someone soon. With my new position at work it is harder to get the time off that I would need. Here's hoping for the best! :)

2006-12-13T09:21:00.000-08:00

If you want to contact me, please send emails to: eggsunnysideup@gmail.com. I am more than happy to answer your questions!

Happy Holidays!

2006-11-30T16:21:00.000-08:00

Out of 20 follies, 16 ovums were harvested. The fertization should have happened on Thanksgiving, so maybe that's a good sign that they will result in pregnancy. The donation went pretty well, the doctor said it was pretty much textbook. While trying to put my IV in my hand, the nurse punctured my vein causing me extreme pain and swelling/bruising. That bruise is almost gone now. Unfortunately, I had a bad reaction to one of the painkillers, which caused me to pass out and vomit repeatedly for three hours. Ick.

I missed my flight home for Thanksgiving because I was in no shape to fly. Which also meant that my friend missed her Thanksgiving to take care of me. Yup, feel the guilt on that one. I was pretty swollen and sore, so much so that the next day when I was getting dressed, none of my clothes fit, so I ended up borrowing some lounge pants from my friend. My swelling pretty much as gone away now, just a little bit is left. At least I can wear my normal pants, which is good thing because it would be unacceptable to show up to work in sweats :).

Even though it was terrible (my reaction to the drugs), uncomfortable, inconvinent, and overall not what I thought it would be, I still believe that I would do it again. It might take more of everything to convince me to do it again, but I don't think that it would be much more. I feel like I helped someone and that they appreciated what I did. From what I gathered, the couple really were looking at the donationas a last resort. So, I have all my crossables crossed for them!

2006-11-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

I've been on the west coast for almost a week now. It's been pretty boring and a bit lonely. My companion wasn't able to get off work until tomorrow, so I haven't really had anyone to keep me company. I've tried exploring the city on my own, but I find that my cramps and soreness have really kept me from wanting to stray too far away from the hotel. I can't wait for her to get here tomorrow so that I have someone to talk to and actually interact with. My friends have been good about emailing and texting but it's still really hard being in a strange city all alone.

I have kept up with the injections and the eggs look good. Unfortunately for me, today I found out that my stay is going to be extended because the follies need to measure at 18 and some are around 13-16. Looks like my retrieval, if I am lucky, will fall on Wed. If not, that means a Thanksgiving retrieval, which may be a good sign for the IPs but not so great for me. I don't want my companion to miss her Thankgiving celebration with her family, so I am asking that they let her go home right after my retrieval on Wed. But if it's a Thursday retrieval, it looks like a sad Turkey day for us.

I feel like the everyone has been very nice to work with but I think that they are all very nonchalant about the fact that I have another life outside of this. When the doctor told me that it looked like the retrieval would be Wed or Thursday, I said something about how that would mean we would miss our own Thankgiving celebrations. He barely made any kind of acknowledgement at that. It was almost like because I am getting compensated, that it didn't matter. That I am trapped. My holiday didn't exist. That really bothered me and still does. I understand that my body will respond the way it does, but some compassion would have been nice.

I am taking this really hard because Thanksgiving is the only real holiday that I enjoy and really celebrate. And this year a bunch of my friends and I were getting together and cooking a meal for everyone. Now I am going to disappoint them. It makes me really sad and resentful to be here. I know that the rewards are going to be greater than the dinner itself, but it still doesn't make being here easier. Also, I don't want my friend to miss her own holiday with her family. It's just not a good situation and I had hoped that it would have been a a week earlier or later. I guess that's life.

To answer Summer's question, no, I won't know if they conceive as a result of my donation. I wish I did just for my own personal reasons. Not because I want to find the child someday but because I would like to know that this as worth it and that they got their happy ending.

Tomorrow, I find out my fate, whether we are doing it Wed or Thursday. I just miss home at this point but most of all, I just want this to be over so that the IPs can move on to the next stage. Keep you posted!

2006-11-13T08:21:00.000-08:00

I started the meds this month and haven't really had much trouble. Here's what's going on.

At the beginning of the month I started the BCP. Then about two weeks ago, I started the Lupron shots in the thighs. I have found the sweet spot on my left leg...not so much on the right. Usually, I don't feel anything but the inital prick. Sometimes, and especially on the right leg, it burns. Maybe I am pushing the meds in too fast or something. My legs are starting to look spotty from all the tiny insulin needle pricks. It's gotten to the point that I could pretty much do the Lupron injection in my sleep.

Now, the Follistim is a whole another story. The damn pen is defective, I think. My first time, no problem. On my second day, it didn't look like anything was given, which really worries me. Maybe the pens are not the best way to go. The actual injection is given in the stomach, which haven't really been painful. But sometimes when I push the meds, since the dial turns, I think the needle moves and turns too. That can hurt. My injection last night was uneventful and this time, I watched to make sure that the meds actually decreased. I hope this doesn't mess up the cycle, the one bad shot from the other day. I don't want to disappoint the parents.

The Menopur needle is probably the worse one. It hurts when it goes in, no matter which side, left or right. I hate transferring and mixing it. I always worry that I am not getting all of the meds. The needles is bigger for this one, I don't know why. I wish it wasn't. Maybe I can just mix it with the correct syringe and use the smaller insulin syringes and needles to inject it? I could ask about that.

A couple of things have been difficult. The other day, I couldn't get myself to inject the meds. My hands were getting clammy just thinking about stabbing myself. It took alot to work me up enough to do it. This went on for 3 days. Two days ago, I was trying to inject myself in the stomach and for some reason, I got the needle in and then I pulled it out. That meant that one day, I got stuck in the stomach THREE times. It was actually pretty painful. I am also having a really hard time with the no alcohol, no sex, and no over the counter meds without consent.

The alcohol is because I have been involved in may social functions in the last few weeks. It's been hard telling people that I don't want a drink because they get curious and start pestering me about it. We are young and we all go out, so it's not really something that people my age understand. Not to mention, I just don't feel the need to tell them why I am refusing a drink. The sex is hard because I am in a new relationship and find the guy I am dating very sexually appealing. I don't want to mess things up for me (and him) or for the recipients. So far this has been the harder battle. Afterall, we are at an age where we don't really have to wait, but in my case, it's all on hold. As for the OTC drugs, well, I have been battling a cold for the last week and half. Not being able to take anything is very hard. I also find that I am just too lazy to call and ask for consent, I would rather suffer ;). You don't realize how much you take for granted being able to take some pain meds for a headache or cold medicine for your cold until you can't do it anymore.

I am to leave for the retrieval in another few more days! I am really excited about it. I want and hope that my eggs will work for the IPs. I am starting to feel crampy and sore today. I hope they are growing bigger and plentiful. I want a good harvest for the recipients so that they can have the best chance possible. It's alot of money that they have spent on this. I hope the end result is a beautiful baby for them. Wish me luck!

2006-10-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

Nothing has been happening lately, so I haven't blogged. I had a successful trip out to the clinic and was cleared to go ahead with the donation. My sonogram showed plenty of follies. The doctor believes that my FSH might have been compromised because we had to do it on day 2 and 9 not 3 and 10. This week I received contacts and the meds. The meds came in a gigantic box with ice packs. I took my goods home and am just waiting for the actual day to come to use it. I started BCP this week as well. There are additional lab tests to be ran this week to ensure that everything is completely ok for the donation. I am supposed to get my travel arrangements booked this week, as well. Which also means I have to tell my boss that I am leaving for the week of the retrieval. For some reason, I think he is going to hate it. I never take vacation days. And when I do, I usually feel guilty. Isn't that just silly?

I did try out giving myself an injection at the clinic. Surprisingly, I wasn't too freaked out and it went off without a hitch. I guess it's probably because I used to think I wanted to be a nurse or doctor that makes me less afraid of needles. My good friend is with one agency and is about to undergo the whole process as well. They are shooting for the beginning of Dec, end of Nov. I told one of my good friends what I was doing and she was extemely supportive. In fact, she told me that she had considered it herself. But the fear of needles really threw her off. Especially when she would have to give herself the shot.

The way I see it, besides the social stigma of egg donation, there is the whole fear of needles that alot of young women face. Often times these things keep them from actually extending their helping hand to a couple. If only they could make all the meds in pill form...I would suspect that that would dramatically increase the numbers of donors. I have dealt with the social aspects of it and really, it doesn't bother me. I have been honest to those that ask but I don't really volunteer the information. I guess that's a better way to go than blurting it out to anyone and everyone. New friends that I have met are not privied to this information. I am not comfortable with being judged by someone that doesn't understand the situation. It's a good thing, I wish society would stop seeing it as anyting but.

That is all for today. I will update again when there is some actual action.

2006-09-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay and gaps in posts. I have been locked out of my account for a few days. I FINALLY found a way back into my blog! YAY!

Last time, when I left off things looked like they may be falling through. But apparently the IPs have faith in me (because of my age) so it looks like it is still on. I am going to meet the doctor soon. I am actually really nervous just because, so far, this donation has not gone smoothly. I have to admit, it was my fault. My FSH was not great. Now, all I can do is worry and hope that it all goes well. As much as I hate to admit it, I need this to go through for selfish reasons.

I have a friend that I recommended to one of the agencies. She has been matched and just did her day 3 bloodwork. I hope it works out for her too. I hope it works out for both of us.

One thing I am really annoyed with is that after talking to the coordinator, it has become blatenly obvious that my years on the pill has, indeed, effected my reproduction. Not enough that I will need to worry about my own fertility, but enough that I may not be able to donate. We need this one to work out, not as much as the IPs but enough. As bad as that sounds.

2006-08-30T12:41:00.001-07:00

I spoke too soon. Don't know yet what will happen. But apparently, my results came back and there is a concern.

2006-08-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Apparently, no news is good news. I completed my clomid challenge on Saturday. This time around, the lab was quick and had all the stuff together. I was happy to get in and out in 25 minutes. I spoke to my coordinator and she said that she hadn't heard anything from the clinic so everything is still a go. I am starting to get excited about this whole thing. I am happy that I can help someone.

This whole egg thing must be on my subconcious because I keep having dreams about it. I dreamt, recently, that I had PCOS. Not a good thing. But apparently, I could still donate in the dream. I never knew what PCOS was until I decided to donate. Ever since, I try to read other people's blogs and get as much information on the donation process and their experiences. It's been extremely helpful. I hope that this journal helps someone else in return. Nothing too exciting happening to me yet, but in the long run, I hope it helps someone.

In a while, I will be travelling to the clinic. It's exciting to know that we are just that much closer to making this happen for someone. I know there is no guarantee that a positive result will come of this. But it's good to know that there is a chance. I do have to wonder if the IPs think this way too? This is an expensive process and I hope that they do not have to do it multiple times. From what I understand, some insurance covers treatment, but there are alot others that don't. So in a way, all their eggs are in my basket.

It is a weird situation that we have set up. By we, I mean the egg donation process. The IPs know what I look like and I believe they know my first name. Years from now, if we pass on the street, won't they recognize me? Whereas, I have no idea who they are. I guess it doesn't matter. I think it would be awkward to meet your biological child while walking from the grocery store. I read somewhere that most people keep the donated egg thing a secret from the child and from everyone else. This makes sense and I can understand why some people do it. Afterall, only the couple and those that directly participated in the donation process will know the egg is not theirs. The mom will still carry the baby to term. It is a personal choice that they have to make for themselves.

Anywho, the rambling must stop. Thanks for reading.

2006-08-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

I went in for the blood draw on Saturday, and waited almost two hours for them to draw 3 vials of blood. The lab also misplaced my paperwork, so that was another fiasco all together. Luckily, it was done fast, hurt little, and no bruising. Now, I just have to wait for this Saturday to complete the Clomid Challenge.

I started the clomid on Monday. I didn't really notice anything, no real changes. But last night about 3 hours after I took the second dose of Clomid, I felt crampy. I did a workout tape at home and then I felt really sick. Don't know if that had anything to do with the Clomid. I read that it would be helpful to cut down on the intake of caffine, so I am doing my best, but really, today, I am dying for a big cup of coffee. Or a big glass of Dr. Pepper....ah, heaven in a can.

Didn't get much sleep last night. I did have weird baby dreams last night...that's another story. I wonder if I will ever be a good mother? Or if I will be as disoriented and forgetful as I was in the dream. My biggest hope is that my future children grow up knowing they were loved and that I always put their needs first. I hope to be that selfless someday. But right now, I am focused on myself, I guess that is what part of this whole journey is about.

I sometimes think that I would have like to have known who the intended parents were. Not because I would want to have contact with the child, but because I would like to know what kind of people they are. It's a shot in the dark for me and for them. They don't know me at all either. Just what they read on that profile. For all they know, I could be crazy or vice versa.

Just counting down the days, nothing to do but wait and see. Hopefully I don't have any problems with the Clomid Challenge and we move forward.

2006-08-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the week, I received a rather large package from the clinic. It was filled will paperwork. I guess part of this whole process is the paperwork, a really big and long part. I finally got to it around 9pm last night. Finished it this morning and mailed it. In another package from the clinic, I received my clomid to be taken on Day 5 of my cycle through day 9. I am supposed to call the clinic and the agency case manager on the first day of my period, with a blood test on Day 3 for the initial screening. Start the clomid, then another blood test on Day 10. It's a good thing that I am not afraid of needles or we would be in trouble. I just hope that I don't have giant welts/bruises from all the blood draw. The people at my work are pretty nosy and next you know, I will be known as the drug addict.

I am traveling to the clinic towards the end of September. It will be a marathon of traveling. I will be leaving my home at 3am, returning at midnight. The schedule was much better than the one they previously gave. I have my day job obligations to fulfill and the original schedule was not conducive to that at all. Luckily, I was able to get around that. I am excited to get the process moving along. There are days that I wish I didn't feel like I was living a double life, but in many ways, I am. It is not socially acceptable to announce that you are donating your eggs, at least that is the way I see it. So when I ask for days off work to go to appointments or travel, it is always an awkward situation. At this point, I have a feeling that my supervisor thinks I am terminally ill. (I had to request days off for the previous attempt at donation too)Poor guy, he is probably wondering if I am contagious.

Since I brought up the subject, I will tell you why I say "attempted" at donating. Back in March 2006, I was matched with a couple. I was really excited because they would have been my first IPs. There were complications to begin with and things kept changing on me. I am a creature of habit. I like to know what is going on and when. But I was never kept in the loop. Eventually, things started moving along. I went through the screening, had vials and vials of blood drawn, flew out to their clinic, sonograms, etc. In May, I flew to the IP's clinic, met their RE and everything seems fine. We did a sonogram and found that because I had been on the pill for so long that my ovaries were quite surpressed.
Now, I know that had I been kept in the loop, I should have been told to discontinue use prior to the meeting (this is information I gathered from the internet and other fertility clinics).
They sent me on my way, saying that another sonogram will be performed when I get my period. I got my period only 2 weeks later, because at that time, they had me discontinue BCP.

I don't know why people would assume that after 2 weeks, my ovaries would be 100% normal again. But apparently, I had 7 follies. The program dropped me because they usually want to see 8. I was 1 short. I had to call repeatedly to find out why, no one was telling me anything. I got a random email saying "thanks" and that was it. I eventually spoke to the ovum donation coordinator and she told me that she did not believe it would be a permanent thing for me, the low follie count, because I had just gotten off the pill and my age. But they would not use me because they didn't want to wait and that their clinic was more interested in a "sure thing" because numbers are what bring in patients. I understood, but was deeply disappointed. Even more so, when I found out that my agency dropped me. They were supposed to get back to me and never have. I don't know why a simple email cannot be replied. Or a phone call. But everyone has their way of doing things. I do feel like that particular agency, though I really thought they had a wonderful staff, was extremely un-organized. I always had to be the one calling and setting up my appointments and etc.

I also had another experience that was also very disappointing. I was matched through another agency and I was very happy about it. But I had work and other obligates to tend to first. I asked for an extention to sign the contract, I said I would get back to them that day. Yes, it was my fault that I got caught up at work and didn't fax it before I left. But I went online an hour later to find that the case manager decided to email me and tell me that she will not use me because she felt that was taking too long. And she lectured me about how it was wrong for me to be signed to more than one agency. I can understand this point of view, but at the same time, once I commit, I commit all the way. It shouldn't matter how many agencies I am signed with. I tell them immediately that I am unavailable the second I am entertaining an match. I felt really badly for the IPs because I don't know what was said to them as to why we didn't match. I had every intention of matching with them. But alas, it didn't work out.

So the journey has been long for me. It is nowhere near as difficult for the IPs. I feel badly for those that I weren't able to help. I hope that this cycle goes well and a pregnancy can result. I know that those that explore this route are often at the end of the road and they deserve a healthy and happy child.

We will end that here, I don't want to say anything bad about either agency, and hope I did not. It just didn't work out and I have moved on. I hope they did find someone that could work for them (the IPs). I also hope that the agencies helping the IPs find their match have their best interest at heart at all times.

2006-08-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

So far, not much has happened. I did receive a letter with insurance information, travel agency business card, and my case manager card the other day. I am a bit disturbed because I recently found out that this agency might not be 100% ethical, 100% of the time. I don't want to be any part of something like that. But I want to make sure that I don't disappoint the IP either. Right now, I am just opting to be optimistic and believe that there are good people in the agency. For the sake of myself and for the sake of the parents. I have thought about asking for some form of communication, but I fear that I might not be able to convey my worries to the IP without the agency interferring (if they really are as bad as I have read.) I also wonder if the cases were isolated instances? Lots to think about.

But other than all that drama...we are just waiting for the period to start so that we can move forward. Should be in another 2 weeks or so.

2006-07-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

In the past few months, I have read a lot of blogs and articles about the donation process. The one question that seems to be on most people's minds is, "Who would do something like this and why?" It is unconventional and controversial, the jury is still out on this one. But here is my take on it: "Why not?" The mix of reactions that I have seen and experience with just the mere mentioning of this topic was pretty shocking. I always thought that we, Americans, were pretty open to things. But it seems just the reverse. Everything, no matter what good may result, is often seen as taboo.

It doesn't hurt anyone and both parties benefit from it. Those that use donor eggs are turning to it as a last resort, not as a way to genetically engineer a super baby. Those that donate (like myself) see how it can help someone as well as themselves. Two birds with one stone kind of thing. The money that the donor receives can be used for anything--I would hope that most people would use it for something good, instead of blowing it all on designer clothes or a fancy car. In my case, I would like to use the money to pay off my student loans send some overseas to support my family.

So who am I? Well, I would like to think of myself as just another woman, trying to make it in the world. I am in my mid-twenties, Asian, college and graduate school educated, average person. I do work full-time, doing my "real" job, donation money is actually an after thought. I don't live to do it, nor do I plan on doing it forever. It is not a means to an end for me. It strikes me as very funny when I read some of the mispreceptions of egg donors. One that was pretty consistent was that you had to be 5'10, blonde, super model, with Einstein IQ. Um...no. I am far from blonde and far from super model. I am tall for an Asian female and I believe I am easy on the eyes, so those are pluses for me. But most couples, from what I understand, are not looking for the next great engineer, they are looking for someone that looks like them--or at least, has the best chance to look like them. Yes, intelligence does matter to some, I have taken an IQ test for one couple, and yes, I did score really high...But that is probably true for most people that continue on beyond the four years of college.

Being taller, prettier, smarter doesn't guarantee that your eggs are any better or worse than someone else's. But one thing I did notice is that there is a shortage of "ethnic" donors. Meaning those that are not Caucasians. I hear it is because other cultures, like those in Asian cultures, donation is not viewed in a positive light. This is probably true. I donated blood in high school. I never saw anything wrong in it and always hoped that one day someone would do the same for me. If years down the road, when we are ready for a family and we can't, I would hope that there is some young woman out there that is willing to help us.

I view egg donations in the same way. The possible child that may result will never be "my child". It's parents will be those that raised and loved them. The people who were there the first time they took their first steps. They will be the people unable to sleep because the child has a cold. And their parents are the ones that will be there, taking their pictures the day they go off to their Senior prom, to college. It will never be me. In the same since, I would never ask that the person that received my blood to give it back later in life when I have leukemia.

Enough about me for now.

The papers have been drawn. An agreement has been signed. The journey is beginning.